Hope From Ruin
by Badpie
Summary: The Reapers have been destroyed at great cost. And now, it's time to rebuild.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: There are game end Mass Effect 3 spoilers in this story. And there will be more chapters to come._

**Chapter 1: My Captain Doesn't Answer**

Her fingers grazed the nameplate reverently. Commander John Shepard. The makeshift marker of his death was well done. It was good. She glanced at the wall, at the name of Admiral David Anderson. A good man, whose death would be felt. But not today. Ashley Williams was feeling something else today.

At first, there was despair. When he'd forced her to go, made her leave him behind again, she lost all hope of his survival. As the Normandy sped away from London, leaving him there, she had crumpled to the floor in the cargo bay and simply sobbed. She didn't know how long. Liara had sat with her, also crying. They were two women who knew the truth - that was the last time they would see John Shepard.

Numbness came after, after she'd somehow made it to the medbay on her own two feet. Her physical injuries were minimal. Her struggle came from simply trying to move her legs, one in front of the other. She had forgotten how to walk. Or perhaps she simply hadn't cared to remember in that moment. She barely saw or heard Dr. Chakwas as she examined her. If she spoke, Ashley hadn't responded.

Anger quickly followed the audible order from Admiral Hackett to leave entirely. She had jumped up, wailed her objection to no one, and then, realizing how utterly helpless she was, sat again. She was broken. Undone.

It had taken the crew less than 24 hours to fix the damage on the Normandy. The hull was unbreached, and the systems were mostly functional. They had lost EDI. No one was really sure why. Joker was silently beside himself. The whole crew seemed to be walking around in a daze. Traynor was working to get communications up and running, but there was no guarantee that anyone would answer. There was no guarantee that anyone was even alive.

_No matter what happens here today, I'll always love you._

She took a deep, shaky breath and blinked away a threatening tear, keeping her gaze on the nameplate. And then her lips moved.

"No," She spoke softly, so softly she wasn't even sure she had said it aloud.

There was silence around her. She felt Garrus' hand touch her shoulder, and she could feel the entire crew watching her, waiting for her to say something else.

"No," She said, stronger and with more defiance. She felt Garrus' taloned fingers tighten comfortingly on her shoulder.

"Williams," he said quietly.

She turned to meet his sad eyes. "Not yet." It was nearly a plea, a desperate wish that someone would understand. He stared at her a moment, looked as if he was going to try to convince her, and then he broke eye contact and nodded.

"It's okay," he comforted. "We don't have to do this now."

Liara approached, and Ashley's eyes pleaded with her. "I can't," she said.

"I know,' Liara whispered, a tear falling onto her cheek.

"Not until I know for sure." She stared at Liara, and finally Liara smiled sadly and nodded.

"You know," Joker spoke as he approached them. "You're technically in charge now, Lieutenant Commander." He shrugged sadly, his eyes still empty with sorrow. "The Normandy is ready. We'll go where you tell us to."

She smiled, and then glanced around at the other crew members, who all seemed to be looking agreeable. She nodded at them, swallowed her emotions and found her voice, strong and authoritative. "Set a course, Joker. We're going to back to London."

With that she felt she could no longer stand there, no longer look at that wall. She strode out, passed the crew and made her way to the elevator, heading for deck 1.

When she was alone she closed her eyes, imagined his face, his smile, his final words to her one last time. And then she spoke again. To herself. To him.

"Not yet."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Broken Grandeur**

Ashley didn't know how long she had been sitting there, staring at the nameplate. It could have been twenty minutes. It could have been two hours. She was simply not fully aware at the moment. Piloting the ship back towards Earth had been extra work for Joker without EDI. Ashley almost felt cruel in hindsight for asking him to even do it. The ship was functioning, but its very soul was gone. Ashley half hoped that EDI would suddenly speak to her as she sat in the cabin at Shepard's desk. The Normandy felt hollow and empty in more ways than one.

The door opened and Ashley looked up to find Liara entering the room. "We're almost there," Liara said.

Ashley nodded. "Comms?"

Liara shook her head and leaned on the desk next to Ashley. "No. Not yet." The last transmission they'd heard was that some Reapers were going down. That was all they knew. The pulse that had hit the Normandy had taken them out and forced them to crash land. There was no way to know what it had done to everything else in its path.

There was silence, save for the hum of this ship until Ashley forced herself to speak. "Do you think he's alive?" She asked quietly.

She heard Liara sigh behind her. "Ashley..." Ashley stood and took a few steps toward the fish tank. It was full of fish, all swimming around happily. None of them had any idea what was happening in the world. Ashley envied them a little. Liara's voice was soft. "That last transmission from Hackett... there... wasn't much to-"

"But do _you_ think he's alive?" Ashley nearly choked on her words as she interrupted Liara.

Liara approached. "I don't know." She touched her arm. "But if I know anything about Shepard, I know we shouldn't give up on him so quickly. We'll find him... either way."

Ashley looked into Liara's blue eyes. It was strange to think the two of them had become such good friends. They had never agreed on much, but during the past few years they had shared many of the same experiences, and much of the same pain. They both loved John Shepard and while in the past it had been a point of contention between them, now it served as a kind of bond. Ashley counted Liara Tsoni as one of her dearest friends. And she always would. She smiled warmly at her.

"We're approaching the orbit over London," Joker said over the comm. "I'm looking at the Citadel right now. It looks intact... well... some of it anyway. Looks like the Alliance already has shuttles up here."

Ashley nodded and touched her comm. "Cortez."

"Yes ma'am," Steve Cortez's voice said.

"Get the shuttle ready. We're headed to the Citadel."

"Aye aye, Lieutenant Commander."

Ashley looked at Liara. She knew she would be coming with her. With any luck, they could find out something. The two of them headed toward the elevator. Once inside, Ashley spoke.

"He said it looks intact,"

"Some of it, anyway," Liara reminded.

Ashley nodded. "I just hope we can find something out there. If it didn't get destroyed then maybe..." Her breath caught in her throat and her stomach turned. "Maybe my sister is okay..." She barely got the words out. She realized it was the first moment she'd really had to think about everything she might have lost. Her breath turned shallow for a moment. "Oh god," she whispered.

"Don't get upset or overwhelmed before we know anything, Ashley." Liara's voice was firm. It was exactly what she needed.

"You're right. Thank you." Ashley took a deep breath. She had come too far to lose it now. Every fiber of her being wanted to curl up and cry. She had little hope for Shepard, little hope for her sister Sarah and no way of knowing at all if the rest of her family was safe. She thought of her niece, Maddy, and said a short silent prayer that she was okay.

The doors to the shuttle bay opened and Garrus and Tali were there already. They turned to her.

"You didn't think you were going to get all the good news alone did you?" Garrus joked. Ashley smiled at him. They had all lost a lot, and she knew Garrus was worried about his family too.

She punched his shoulder lightly. "Always gotta be there for the good stuff, right Vakarian?"

"You know it."

They all piled onto the shuttle and sat down, while Cortez prepared for take-off. Ashley liked Cortez. He and John had become close in the last few months. She knew that everyone was worried about Shepard. She knew that everyone would do anything for him. It's what she was counting on to not feel selfish. Because this was absolutely about her and she didn't care. She needed to find him. She needed to know. She was glad everyone was behind her.

They weren't wearing armor. As far as they knew there was no need. The Citadel was clearly under Alliance control, with several cruisers, including asari and turian nearby. They left the Normandy in the shuttle. It wouldn't be long. So much was running through her head she didn't know where to begin. Her sense of duty and commitment to the Alliance were fighting with her need for personal answers. She would help how she could. That was her job and her mission. No, that was her life. And everyone would need a lot of help. Later. First, she would know what she needed to know.

As they approached, Ashley looked at the ruined, battered, barely holding together Citadel. She thought back to her first approach. It had seemed so much bigger. She remembered her wide eyed wonder at it all, her inexperienced naiveté. It all seemed so long ago. She looked now at the darkened shell of the seat of galactic civilization. It looked like a ghost.

She hoped that wasn't all they would find there.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Rubble and Reunion**

Cortez had tried hailing whatever Alliance frequencies he could as they approached, but the Normandy's comms were still unresponsive. For all Ashley knew, everyone's comms were out. She looked at the Citadel as they approached. With the damage here and everywhere else it was hard to imagine this is what everything looked like after they'd actually won the war.

They docked the shuttle without interference, but as the door opened, Ashley, Liara, Garrus and Tali were greeted by several armed Alliance soldiers. Their weapons weren't pointed at them but they still looked a little nervous about who would be stepping out of the shuttle. Ashley guessed that regardless of the Alliance paint job, people were still a bit on edge.

A dark haired man approached Ashley. "I'm 2nd Lt. Espinosa. Please identify yourself."

Ashley stepped down and walked up to him. He seemed to be the one in charge, at least of the few men that were there.

"Lieutenant Commander Williams of the Normandy," she greeted.

The man saluted. "Maam." She saluted back, though she didn't feel like standing on any small ceremony just now. She was tired and she wanted to get information. "I apologize for the armed welcome. Your shuttle wasn't responding to our attempts to contact you."

"Our comms are out," Ashley nodded. "You have communications up and running here?"

"Yes maam. The Citadel's comm frequencies are functional and we're able to communicate with the forces planetside as well." Ashley nodded. This was good. That meant that people were coordinating efforts, that the comms were only damaged, not destroyed in the blast. "We're still having trouble contacting the majority of the fleet, but we're hoping to remedy it soon." He motioned for her to walk with him.

Ashley walked with Espinosa, knowing that Garrus, Liara and Tali were close behind. "What's the situation here?"

"The threat has been neutralized and we've been searching for survivors. That's our top priority." Ashley's heart skipped a beat.

"And you've found survivors?" Hope threatened to rear its head in her heart.

"Yes maam. So far about six hundred. We expect to find more once we search the lower levels of the station." Six hundred. That wasn't a lot compared to the number of people who had actually been on the Citadel. It was too few. Her heart sank again thinking of everyone that had been there.

"Is Commander Shepard among the survivors?" Garrus asked, keeping pace with Espinosa. Ashley's stomach turned. She realized she didn't want to know the answer.

They boarded the elevator and Espinosa shook his head. "There's a list we've been compiling of everyone uninjured enough to be transported. We also have a listing of the folks we've had to get medical treatment. Some are really bad off. They're in our medical ward. Couldn't say off hand if the Commander is among them, but you're welcome to the lists." He hit a few buttons on his omni-tool and Ashley's received the information as the elevator doors opened.

They stepped out. "Thank you, Lieutenant."

He nodded, then pointed. "We have the survivors divided into three sections in the docking area. The list should correspond. I'll be in D13. That's where we've set up our mobile command." He turned then and left.

Ashley was already frantically scrolling through the names. They were at least alphabetized. She scrolled quickly to the W section looking for Sarah's name. What would she do if her name wasn't there? How would she find her? Was she dead? Ashley's mind was racing until she finally spotted it. She gasped.

_Williams-Powell, Sarah: D9_

Ashley breathed out a sigh of relief. Sarah was alive. She was here. She was safe.

"Did you find her?" Tali asked.

Ashley nodded. "Yeah. D9. That means she's not in the hospital. Means she's not hurt." Her breath caught in her throat as she turned her attention back to the list. She scanned the section with names that started with S, looking for Shepard. She scanned again. Three times she looked through, each time feeling a panic rise within her. She turned to Liara. "He's not here," she said.

Liara touched her shoulder. "You should go to Sarah." Liara's voice was soothing, and Ashley took a deep, cleansing breath to slow her heartbeat and ease the tightness in her chest. Sarah was okay. She would take her victories as they came. And she needed to see her. "Go," Liara urged. "We'll try to find out what we can about Shepard."

"Go on, Williams," Garrus said. "I'm glad she's okay." His tone sounded sad and Ashley could only surmise that he was thinking of his own sister on Palaven. Her heart ached for him. His situation was grim. And he had gone the entire war without knowing if his family was even alive. Ashley realized how lucky she had been to be able to find those things out.

She touched his arm. "Thank you," She forced her feet to take the initial step away from her friends and then she ran full out to section D9. Everything was decimated. The Citadel she knew was no more. It had taken a serious beating. Her feet pounded against the metal floor and she could hear herself panting. She had completely forgotten about her injuries - broken fingers, a couple stitches at the base of her scalp, cracked ribs, bruising on her face, a twisted ankle. She was reminded of them now as she ran. She didn't care. She passed several soldiers on her way. They all looked exhausted and distant. So much had happened. The world was turned upside down. Ashley felt it too.

As she entered the area, she waved off the female soldier apparently responsible for keeping the list of refugees. She entered and stopped dead in her tracks for a moment to take it all in. There were so many people, all crowded in groups, sleeping on makeshift beds. She started to scan the crowd quickly, walking through, stepping over people. It was loud, so it would do her no good to yell for Sarah. She would just keep looking. She spun around, looking at every face, in every corner, but she didn't see her. She stopped to take a breath.

"Ashley!" Sarah's voice came from behind her, loud and clear. She spun, wide eyed to see her sister running toward her. She was dirty, but looked uninjured. Ashley laughed with tears in her eyes as she thought of her dirty little sister, running in from playing outside. She couldn't speak. She could only open her arms and catch her as she ran into her. "Oh my God," Sarah whispered, squeezing her sister. Ashley thought she might crack the rest of her ribs as she squeezed back.

"Sarah," Ashley finally managed to choke out. She pulled back and touched Sarah's fair face, looked at her tearful blue eyes. She had always had their father's coloring. The two of them didn't even look like sisters, but their bond was unmistakable. They had the same facial expressions, the same mannerisms, the same hot headed demeanor they'd gotten from their mother. She pulled her sister back into another tight hug and simply held her there. Pressed together a wave of comfort washed over her. She closed her eyes. She felt Sarah convulse with a quiet sob and then Ashley felt her own tears stinging her eyes and falling down her cheeks. She took a deep breath. Sarah pulled away then and wiped her face.

They both tearfully laughed, wiping their tears and snot from their faces. Everything seemed okay to Ashley in that moment. She knew it wasn't. She knew there was too much left to know. But for one moment, holding her baby sister had made everything else okay.

"What are you doing here?" Sarah squeaked, still wiping tears from her face. "Are you here with Shepard?"

Ashley's smile faded. "No. No we're still looking for him." She smiled again. "I came here to make sure you were okay."

Sarah shook her head. "It was awful. They just poured in, those husks... and not just the human ones, the other ones too." Her eyes filled again, not with tears of joy, but the tears of someone who had just watched a lot of people die. "A group of us managed to get to a section and seal it off. We just hid." She shrugged. "We got lucky." She looked down. "So many others didn't."

Ashley touched her shoulder. "I know, but it's over now. We beat 'em."

Sarah nodded. "Do you know anything about Mom?" Sarah looked like she might cry again.

Ashley shook her head. "Not yet. But they'll be fine. I know it." She smiled at her sister convincingly.

Sarah returned the smile and seemed to relax. "So... Shepard..." Sarah knew what John meant to Ashley. She had always known. She'd been there when Ashley had lost him before. She had seen what it had done to her.

Ashley took a deep breath. "We were on Earth making the final push and he... he ordered us to go. So...we ran." Ashley's stomach turned at the memory of deserting him on Earth. That was what it felt like. "We left him."

_With all due respect, Commander -_

_Don't argue with me, Ash!_

She was pulled from her memory by Sarah's hand grabbing hers. "You'll find him," she said quietly. Ashley smiled sadly at her sister, desperately wanting to believe her.

"He's on Earth."

Ashley spun around to find Liara standing there with an odd expression on her face. Ashley couldn't read it. "What?" Ashley asked. She took a step toward Liara, her eyes asking the question she couldn't bear to vocalize. And then she got the answer without further prompting.

Liara smiled slightly. "He's alive."

The breath Ashley had been holding came out sharply. She felt dizzy. She shook her head, unable to accept it without further information. "Earth... but...how-"

"They think that the beam that brought him up also returned him somehow. He was apparently found in some rubble with Admiral Anderson's body." Liara sighed and shook her head. "I don't know his condition. Only his location."

Ashley gathered her strength with a few deep breaths. It was time to stop simpering and brooding. He needed her now. She didn't know what awaited her on Earth, what his condition was, but it was enough to keep her going. For the first time since she'd watched him run toward the beam, Ashley was experiencing something amazing.

Hope.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Hollow**

Earth. Or what was left of it. The Normandy landed on what used to be London, but was now a cleared out area where ships could come and go. In the short time they'd been gone, less than 72 hours, the area had been transformed into a small airfield. The Alliance worked fast. Trailers housing a makeshift air traffic control station were clustered at one end of the field, the remains of some sort of park. It looked as if the trees that hadn't already been destroyed had been removed by the Alliance to make space.

Ashley stepped out of the ship and her feet touched the scorched ground. She squinted at the sun. The entire place may have been leveled, but at least it was a beautiful day. She could see smoke rising from various areas in the distance. There will likely still fires to be put out all around the city. The air smelled of smoke and dust and death. It was hard to imagine looking at the place that things were getting better. It would be a long process.

She'd finally been able to speak with someone at command, who sent her the general report of what was happening. It updated by the hour it seemed. When she'd last looked at it just a few minutes ago it seemed hopeful. Barriers had been erected around the downed Reapers. They would need to figure out how to remove them later. Survivors were being searched for and many had been found holed up in the few buildings that hadn't been leveled. Those healthy enough for transport were being taken to shelters. The rest were taken to the two or three still functioning hospitals in the city. A couple of schools and other buildings had been quickly transformed into makeshift medical centers. Crews had gotten water and power to the hospitals and command centers. It was a similar story around the whole planet, and likely on other planets as well.

A transport approached and a corporal stepped out, snapping to a quick salute. "Ma'am," he greeted. She returned it. "You requested transport to Garrin Memorial?"

She nodded. "That's right." She glanced at Liara and Dr. Chakwas. They were coming with her. Ashley had ordered the rest of the crew to sit tight aboard the Normandy. Sarah was aboard as well. Ashley had decided she wasn't letting her out of her sight. They would likely be getting some sort of orders soon, or if not maybe they could make themselves useful on the ground. Acting Commander was not a position she wanted to be in right now. She wanted to pass it off to someone else, focus entirely on finding Shepard and then contacting her family, but she couldn't. Her problem was also everyone else's problem. Everyone was searching for loved ones and trying to pick up the pieces of shattered lives. And the Alliance was there to help, which meant Ashley was there to help. There was no room for selfish wants.

As they climbed into the transport and sat down, Ashley tried to prepare herself for what she might find at the hospital. They didn't know his condition. She supposed she could find him sitting up, awake and complaining about being stuck in the hospital. She almost smiled at the thought. He had always been restless. She got a chill then as she thought of the other possibilities. A simple "alive" was all they'd gotten regarding his condition. Information was hard to come by second hand right now. She took a deep breath and looked out the window as the transport sped to its destination. It was a desolate wasteland now. Ashley had only been to London once before. It was unrecognizable. There were hazmat crews incinerating the corpses of husks and cannibals. The sooner they were burned from existence the better. The Alliance and other non-human governments would likely keep a few to study, but she wished they wouldn't.

They passed pockets of campsites, teeming with humans and a few remaining non-humans who simply hadn't left yet. Ashley knew everyone was eager to get back to their own homes to help rebuild. But she also knew it would be difficult. With the relays damaged, travel to other systems would take some time. Even with FTL the furthest ones out could take several months with stops along the way. She thought of the human colonies out in the Traverse. It would be weeks at least before the Alliance could probably even get aid to them.

After a short time the transport stopped. Ashley practically sprung from her seat and out the door. She heard Liara thank the corporal. Ashley's focus was on the front door of the hospital. The building looked structurally sound, save for one corner of the top floor, which had been closed off. Chakwas and Liara caught up with her as she entered and headed straight for the front desk. Bullet holes and scorch marks dotted the wall behind the young private who stood before them.

She looked up from her paperwork expectantly. "Yes, can I help you?"

Ashley opened her mouth to speak, but no words came. She wasn't sure why, but thankfully Dr. Chakwas stepped in.

"We're looking for Commander John Shepard. I'm his personal physician and we were told he was here."

"Just need to check your clearance. This is an Alliance personnel only facility."

Ashley looked at the armed guards stationed and then she activated her omni-tool letting the woman access the information she needed. Chakwas and Liara did the same. Liara wasn't officially Alliance, but her credentials showed she worked officially on an Alliance ship. Ashley didn't anticipate problems.

"Thank you Lieutenant Commander Williams. You were looking for Commander Shepard?" The girl looked down at her datapad and entered the information. "Yes, he arrived here about a day ago." Ashley took a deep breath as she continued. "His attending is Dr. Wenn. She's on the 4th floor."

"Thank you," Ashley said quietly and the three of them headed to the elevator. Ashley hit the button for the fourth floor three times, and then stood back as the doors closed. She felt Liara looking at her. She turned to her. "What?"

"Are you going to be all right?" Liara asked gently.

Ashley nodded. "I'm fine. I just need to see him." Her heart was racing with excitement and fear, a mixture of optimistic hope and sobering realism.

The doors opened to a crowded ward, littered with cots, even in the hallways. Each held an Alliance soldier. Some looked better off than others. Some were sitting, laughing, talking. Others appeared to be sleeping. A quick glance of one of the rooms showed that each had at least two soldiers in them. The rooms were probably for the worst off. The harried nurses bustled around. They looked exhausted.

Ashley approached another woman sitting at a desk. "John Shepard," She said simply. She could feel herself shaking. "What room is he in please?"

The woman nodded and looked at her datapad. "Room 404 just down the hall." She pointed.

"Thank you," Ashley said breathlessly. She practically ran down the hallway, Liara and Chakwas close behind her.

The door to room 404 was open and as Ashley stepped in she felt as if someone had just kicked her in the stomach. There was only one bed, and in it lay John Shepard. He was nearly motionless, or would have been if it hadn't been for the breathing machine and the tube in his mouth. The machine raised and lowered his chest gently over and over again.

She forced her feet forward and barely noticed Chakwas immediately picking up his chart from the foot of the bed. As she approached, Ashley reached out and gently touched his hand with her fingertips. It was so cold. She squeezed lightly, willing it to be warm, hoping for a moment that he would squeeze back. He didn't. His face was swollen and mostly black and purple, as were his arms. The light weight sheet that covered his chest likely covered similar injuries. His entire head was covered in a bandage wrap and his neck was held still by a trauma brace. She finally exhaled the breath she had been holding, and with it came a long threatening tear from her wide eyes. She wiped it quickly from her cheek and swallowed. She couldn't fall apart now. She wouldn't. She felt Liara's hand on her back and then wiped another tear away and looked at Chakwas expectantly.

Chakwas sighed. "Severe head trauma and multiple deep lacerations, broken ribs, a compound fracture of his left tibia." Chakwas moved to the side of the bed and glanced under the sheet. "There's a deep wound in his left side." She flipped through the chart. "Gunshot. They found the round embedded in his small intestine during surgery. He'd lost a lot of blood." She opened one of his eyes and examined. Ashley watched, noting the lack of life in his blue iris. It gave her a chill. Chakwas looked at the machines. "Heartbeat is steady but weakened. His blood pressure is up." She touched his forehead. "High fever, likely the result of some infection. Brain function looks active at least."

"So he's going to be okay," Ashley said. She knew it was a premature statement, even before Dr. Wenn entered the room.

"We just don't know yet," The doctor said. Ashley turned to her and Dr. Wenn nodded. "I'm Dr. Wenn. I'm his attending."

Dr. Chakwas stepped forward. "Karin Chakwas. The commander has been under my medical care for several years."

Wenn nodded. "Yes I know. I have the file. It came directly from Admiral Hackett. We were told the commander is a priority and we're to use every resource available for him."

"Thank you," Liara said quietly.

"Are his synthetic implants active?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

Wenn shook her head. "No, they're not actually. I haven't figured out why. They should have kicked in and begun repairing his tissue by now, but..."

"But what?" Ashley asked.

Wenn sighed. "His body is rejecting the implants. It sees them as something to attack so his already weakened system is exhausting itself trying to fight them." Ashley turned her attention to Shepard again, taking his hand in hers once more as Wenn continued. "We considered removing them in surgery but there are just so many. I've... never seen anything quite like it. It's almost as if he was... reconstructed entirely."

"He was," Chakwas said. "Entirely."

Wenn seemed almost speechless at the very idea. Ashley supposed it was something that most people hadn't seen before. John Shepard, back from the dead, remade, reborn of science and technology. And now the very thing that saved him could be killing him. Ashley didn't understand, but she knew it had something to do with the energy from the Crucible. It had damaged nearly every piece of technology, even for just a short time. But then there was EDI. And now Shepard.

"What if we can get them working again somehow?" Liara asked. "Will it kickstart his system?" Their voices had fallen away from Ashley's mind as she gazed at Shepard's broken and beaten face. She touched his cheek softly, felt the hair there that had practically grown into a beard. She took a deep breath again.

"It's a good idea but as I've said I've never seen anything like it before," Wenn sighed. "I simply don't know how they work."

"I know someone who does." Chakwas said quietly. "And we need her here."

Ashley looked up. She knew exactly who they were talking about even before Liara said it.

"We need Miranda Lawson."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Small Comforts**

"You're sure that door is locked?" Ashley asked, only half kidding. She'd noticed Shepard casually lock it with his omni-tool when they'd started kissing, though she didn't anticipate anyone coming by. Starboard observation had been unofficially established as her private room since she'd come aboard the Normandy three weeks ago, and the crew seemed to respect that.

He shrugged behind her. "Pretty sure...I was a little distracted."

She chuckled and leaned back onto his warm bare chest. She sighed and looked out the viewing window at the stars, her legs curled up on the couch beside her. They sat covered with the simple blanket Ashley had been using to sleep with. Their clothes were scattered around them in a short radius. The hum of the ship had accompanied their spur of the moment tryst. She felt his fingertips glide down her arm, finally coming to rest at her elbow. She settled into his frame and smiled.

"Been awhile," she said quietly. "I missed this."

"Yeah," he sighed sadly. "Me too." The bittersweet idea hung heavy in the air. It had been nearly three years since they'd made love, since they'd had any opportunity at all to be close to one another. In the last few weeks, they'd had very few private moments to talk. Their relationship, whatever it was now, had taken a backseat to the obvious priorities. They'd shared a few moments, a few emotionally charged reminders of who they used to be with one another. It had been enough to suggest that how they felt about each other had never really changed. The rest, all of the dramatic intermission seemed like petty details in this moment. The world was falling down around them, but here in starboard ob, in this moment, everything seemed all right.

"Almost forgot how great you look naked," Shepard joked in a dry tone near her ear, causing her to laugh.

"Just let me know whenever you need a reminder." She smiled up at him slyly.

There was a long pause before he spoke again. "I've suddenly forgotten again," he quipped.

She reached back to give him a playful smack and he caught her hand, kissed it and released it. She felt his chest rumble with a quiet laughter. After another long moment he spoke again. "Look I know you said you needed some time. And I know we haven't really had a real chance to sort things out yet."

She turned to look at him and smiled. "I don't need any more time," she said truthfully, her brown eyes searching his.

He touched her face. "Good," he whispered. Then the corner of his mouth turned up into his signature half smile. "Time's up." She smiled and repositioned herself to face him, straddling his upright form, and then she took his face in her palms and kissed him. His warm hands slid down her back, and then gently held her there. When she pulled away from her kiss, he looked thoughtful.

"What is it?" She asked.

"I was thinking."

"About?" She planted a short, playful kiss on his lips.

"Doesn't seem fair." He paused.

"What doesn't?"

"This. All of it." He shook his head. "Just seems unfair how much time we've lost."

She smiled reassuringly. "We'll have time when this is done." She almost believed it.

He looked at her. "What if we don't?" he asked quietly.

She smirked, even though the thought made her chest hurt. The very real possibility that everything could end any day was not lost on her. She chuckled. "You're awfully pessimistic."

He smiled just a little. "Pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist."

She sighed and kissed him again. "Well then I guess we'll just have to take advantage of the time we have."

"Yeah," He looked thoughtful and far away for a moment. "Maybe you could... move your things up to deck 1." He shrugged.

Ashley was a little surprised, but only for a moment. During all the time they'd worked together she'd known he could be withdrawn and private during the toughest times. As close as they were, she had always respected his space, and he had always respected hers. She searched her mind for a reason not to join him, but found none.

"John," she started.

He cut her off. "I know what you're gonna say, Ash. I know it's fast. I know we both like our space, I just..." He exhaled. He shrugged. "I think it would be nice."

She smiled. She had always appreciated how straightforward John Shepard was. He simply said what he meant and meant what he said. Neither of them had ever been overtly flowery with their emotions, but there had never been a question of how they felt about one another. The unspoken understanding permeated the room, and Ashley kissed him again, longer and more affectionately.

When they parted he raised an eyebrow slightly. "That a yes?"

She giggled softly and kissed him again. "Mmhm," she said, her lips still on his.

A muffled laugh came from him. "Good. This couch is awful." Her giggle turned to a sigh as his lips found her throat. "Actually," he said huskily into her ear, sending a delicious shiver through her. "Guess it's not so bad." He kissed her again, tightening his arms around her waist.

Ashley jolted awake at the shrill scream of a nearby banshee. She gasped, sat straight up in her bed and then caught her breath when she realized where she was. She was in their cabin, fully clothed, and covered in a small blanket. She took a deep breath and noticed Sarah standing a few feet away, a concerned look on her face.

"Hey," Sarah said.

Ashley cleared her throat and cracked her stiff neck. "Hey," she said huskily. "What time is it?" She nearly panicked. Liara had convinced her to leave the hospital and get some sleep after she'd found her passed out in the hard chair in Shepard's room hours ago. Ashley had been stubborn, but she knew she was leaving him in good care with Liara and Dr. Chakwas. It turned out sleep was exactly what she needed.

"Relax," Sarah said. "It's only three o'clock. You didn't miss anything. Brought you some food," Sarah handed Ashley a small container. "It's not a lot, but I know you haven't eaten." She plopped down on the bed next to her sister.

"Thank you," Ashley said. She set the container aside. She wasn't hungry, though she realized she hadn't eaten in at least 24 hours. She would make sure to in a while.

"You have a nightmare?"

Ashley shook her head. "No. No it was a good dream actually." She let a small smile spread across her lips. "Just a nice memory." She looked at her sister. She looked tired, but happy. Person to person civilian communication wasn't up and running yet, but Ashley had been able to use her Alliance credentials to search for her family's names in the database of survivors. They had apparently returned to San Diego, all of them safe and sound, or so the manifest seemed to indicate. Ashley would take it. It was something positive. And it had clearly meant a lot to Sarah when she'd told her.

The crew had been given 24 hours to rest and find out what they could about loved ones. After that they would receive orders from command. Garrus, Tali, and a somber Joker had come by Shepard's room earlier to see him, though Ashley had requested the rest of the crew keep their distance. She didn't want them seeing him like this, and she knew he wouldn't want that either. She decided she would keep them all updated of any changes. It seemed like the only thing she had any control over at the moment.

"Oh Liara said to tell you Miranda will be here within the hour."

"Thanks." Ashley swung her legs off the bed and ran a hand through her hair.

"And you think she'll be able to help?"

Ashley nodded. "She and her team at Cerberus literally brought Shepard back from the dead." She scoffed a laugh. "I still can't believe it when I say that."

Sarah furrowed her brow. "I don't know how Liara was able to get her here so quickly. You should have seen her down there when you were at the hospital. She and that little drone were working over-time on something. She mentioned her 'network of people' whatever that meant."

Ashley smiled. "Yeah. Liara's a busy gal."

Sarah smiled. "Seems like everyone is making Shepard a priority," She squeezed Ashley's hand reassuringly. Ashley squeezed back.

"They are. Even Admiral Hackett all but ordered me to make sure he's getting the best care. As if he needed to." She sighed and looked at her sister. Her red hair hung to her shoulders, freshly washed apparently. Ashley hadn't heard her shower. She realized she needed one herself. "Hey do I stink?" she asked her sister.

Sarah laughed. "What? No. No you smell just fine." She paused. "You look like crap though."

"Thanks."

"And your hair is really greasy."

"Right."

Sarah sniffed. "Actually yeah now that I'm inhaling deeply-"

"Thank you!" Ash said and smacked her with a nearby pillow.

Sarah laughed. "Guess you should shower before whats her face gets here."

"I know," Ash looked at Sarah's hands. She noticed her absentmindedly fiddling with her wedding ring. Ashley frowned. "How are you doing?"

Sarah shrugged. "I think I'm still processing a lot." She looked down. "What happened on the Citadel was... It was like a horror movie but... real." She looked down. "And Thomas... I mean it was only a few months ago we were headed off on our honeymoon and then..."

"I know," was all Ashley could say. She squeezed her hand again.

"I guess they say time heals all wounds or something but I don't know if I really believe that."

Ashley took a deep breath. "It'll get better. I promise." She smiled. "Besides, I'm here to look after my little Bug."

Sarah laughed at the nickname she'd been given by Ashley when they were kids. Then she smiled and her blue eyes turned affectionate. "I'm okay, Ash. I promise. I've been keeping busy the last few hours."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. There's been some volunteer organizing going on. A bunch of people who aren't injured are tired of just sitting around. They haven't been transported yet so the Alliance said they'd be happy for the help."

Ashley laughed. That was Sarah. She always found some way to be useful, no matter what the situation was. "I wondered what you'd gotten up to. I thought maybe you were just sitting around on the ship, but when I talked to Liara last she said you were out. I was confused."

Sarah shrugged. "It's nothing big. Just helping to load rations and water onto transports, and then bringing the food around to the folks who can't get around right now. Everyone seems in surprisingly good spirits, considering."

"Well. We did win." She wondered how long everything would take to get back to normal. "Even if it doesn't really look like it." She stood. "Well I guess I'd better shower before Miranda gets here. "

Sarah pulled her into a hug and held her there. "I love you," she said.

Ashley squeezed her back. "I love you too."

After a moment, Sarah spoke again. "Christ you do need a shower." They laughed and separated and Sarah winked before heading for the door.

Alone again, Ashley was suddenly nervous for Miranda's arrival. If she didn't have any ideas that could help Shepard they would be out of options. His vitals were holding steady for the time being. He was remarkably strong, but even he couldn't hold out forever.

Ashley fought off a chill at the thought, then forced her mind to stop racing and stepped into the bathroom.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: More Than a Man**

Ashley's heart sank as Miranda Lawson spoke. She ran her hand over her hair, pulled back in a ponytail. After her shower she had barely even had the energy to do that. She'd thrown on some blue fatigues, a grey tank top and her Alliance issue casual jacket. She was even armed with her pistol. She didn't know why. She supposed it was simply habit at this point.

"It's not as if we can just find spare parts somewhere." The raven haired woman continued. She looked down affectionately at Shepard in his bed. "The technology is highly specialized."

Ashley shook her head. "But you did it before. You brought him back to life." She knew she was grasping at anything. She squeezed Shepard's cold hand in hers and looked to Miranda with unapologetically pleading eyes. "There has to be something you can do," she said quietly.

Miranda looked at her for a long moment before sighing. "The odds of bringing him back once were a million to one. It's astounding that it even worked the last time."

"But he's not even dead," Ashley said in a stern voice.

"I know that," Miranda said, equally as stern. She had arrived an hour ago and come straight to the hospital. She looked different than the last time Ashley had seen her. She was dressed more comfortably, with flat boots, form fitting dark pants and a tailored leather jacket. She was stylish and well-manicured even as Ashley knew she was tired and overworked. Just like everyone. Ashley barely knew Miranda. She'd remembered her face from Ashley's hazy reunion with Shepard on Horizon and their run in on Sanctuary as well. They hadn't really spoken, but she was counting on the fact that Miranda cared about John. At the moment, she was their only hope, their last chance to get Shepard's body working again. Miranda's voice held a soft, empathetic tone. "I can't make any promises."

Ashley's eyes narrowed. "That's not good enough." She said. She had been waiting for her anger to surface about all this. It was unfortunate that Miranda bore brunt of it in this moment. Ashley knew it wasn't her fault. It was just so unfair. After everything Shepard had done, everything he had sacrificed - his friends, whole star systems, his happiness, and his very body so many times to win this fight. Ashley couldn't find anything comforting in knowing that they'd won. The victory tasted like ashes when she considered everything he had lost, that _they_ had lost. The only true victory, she decided was for him to open his eyes. Everything else was just details. She looked up to see Miranda, eyebrow raised, arms crossed. But she didn't care that she had annoyed her. She didn't care about anything other than making him better. "You and I both know that he'd stop at nothing to help you if the situation were reversed." She continued. "So don't you dare stand there and tell me you can't make promises. You pulled off a miracle once. He deserves that again. No less."

Miranda's eyebrows scrunched with anger and her tone became quiet. "Don't even try to suggest that I wouldn't do anything within my power to help Shepard. I can't change the facts, Lieutenant. I'm going to do whatever I can. But I'm not doing it for you."

Ashley knew she was right. She broke eye contact with her and swallowed. "Just... help him."

Miranda's face seemed to soften. "I'll try." she responded quietly and then turned her gaze to Shepard's bruised face. "I can't be absolutely certain that the technology we used wasn't Reaper tech. I was told it wasn't. I even did my own tests in secret. I wasn't sure. I'm almost certain they're just extremely advanced cybernetics, but..."

"Yeah we all know how forthcoming and honest The Illusive Man was." Ashley added.

"Precisely. If the blast from the crucible destroyed Reaper tech it will be nearly impossible and possibly even dangerous to reactivate it."

Ashley considered the thought of any Reaper technology being reactivated. She knew it wasn't safe. She didn't know what it could mean if it was suddenly switched on again. What if it meant the Reapers themselves switched back on? She knew that sounded stupid, but she thought about it. What if the entire galaxy could be put at risk? "I know," she nodded. "But maybe its origin isn't Reaper. Maybe that bastard was telling you the truth."

"Maybe."

Ashley shrugged. "Isn't it worth the risk?"

Miranda seemed to think for a long moment. "Of course it is," she said. "I've already shared the notes from Project Lazarus with Chakwas. She is already familiar with Lazarus and the implants so that's helpful. I have to admit, this wasn't my specialty."

Ashley frowned. "What do you mean? I thought you were head of the Lazarus Project."

"Yes. I was. I know everything involved in it. Every detail. Every procedure and specification I know like the back of my hand."

"But," Ashley prompted, worried about what the resulting answer would be.

"I never actually performed any of the procedures myself. We had a specialist." Miranda scoffed and smiled, almost tragically. "Wilson." She said, almost with regret.

"Where is he now?"

Miranda looked her in the eye, her cool blue irises piercing her with meaning. "I killed him."

Ashley nodded, deciding that the explanation probably wasn't important right now. "And what about the option of just replacing or removing the implants?"

Chakwas spoke as she entered. "I can answer that," She said. Ashley turned to her. She looked as stoic as ever. She carried a data pad. Dr. Chakwas had been officially retasked as Shepard's personal guardian angel as it were. Hackett had given the order to make him her number one priority. She walked around the side of his bed and casually observed his vital readings. Then she continued. "I anticipate we'll have to remove some of the more secondary devices. It's likely some are damaged beyond repair and some of them may not be needed anyway. They were put in place to rebuild his decomposing tissue. Now that that tissue is alive they may be doing more harm than good in his current state."

Ashley cringed. She'd had nightmares about what his body had been through. She knew next to nothing about what had actually taken place. She had fought the urge to look at the files they recovered from the Cerberus base. Shepard hadn't even looked at them. She couldn't blame him. She had encouraged him not to. After they'd hit the Cerberus base, she'd found him sitting in their cabin with a data disk in his hand. EDI had explained that the entire project had been logged in the file. There would be pictures, vids, images that he would never be able to erase from his mind. She'd sat down on his lap and gently took it from him. He'd seemed to relax then, as if he was waiting for permission to let it go. That had been a difficult night for him.

It was a wonder John Shepard's sanity hadn't snapped long ago. But Ashley knew he was strong. Mentally he seemed unflappable, always anticipating the next move, brilliantly planning, and constantly thinking. Emotionally he could be distant, particularly about the things she knew really bothered him. But sometimes he opened up, and when he had she had been there to listen. Physically he was just a man, but more than that now somehow. She truly believed he would pull through. He had to. She had to wonder how he would deal with all of this when he woke up. All she really knew is that she would be there, no matter what.

She cleared her throat. "When is the surgery?"

"We can do it soon." Chakwas said. "We're just running a couple more preliminary tests."

"I haven't even spoken to his mother..." The thought occurred to Ashley. She knew that Hannah Shepard had been officially contacted and John's condition had been reported to her. But Ashley felt as if she needed to explain. She felt like she needed to reach out. She knew that was silly. She didn't even know his mother. They had met only once, briefly. And that was at her son's memorial.

"She's on her way," Ashley turned to find Liara standing in the doorway. She smiled and moved to the side of the bed. She nodded at Miranda. "Hello Miranda."

"Liara." Miranda nodded and even smiled back at her.

Ashley felt the need to lighten the somber mood in the room. It was her default defense. She couldn't stand when things got too heavy, particularly when she was the one feeling tragic and broken.

"I wondered where you were," she chuckled. "Off herding your operatives I take it?"

"What's left of them, yes." Liara nodded. "I'm getting a lot of different reports from all over. Generally it's...good." She nodded, seemingly pleased with the answer. "Everyone seems to be picking up the pieces."

Miranda looked at Chakwas. "We should prepare," she said simply.

Chakwas nodded, and then looked at Liara and Ashley. "We'll be back soon." The two women turned and walked out, leaving Liara and Ashley alone.

Ashley took a deep breath. "Any other news?" She asked.

Liara nodded. "Well as I said, Shepard's mother is on her way. Apparently the Orizaba was repurposed as a transport and evac ship. She was more than happy to let her XO take the reins I think. The crew are all settling in to their new temporary assignments. Most have heard about their families at least. There have been some losses, but everyone seems to be dealing pretty well."

Ashley looked at Liara. "Thank you, Liara."

Liara smiled. "Of course."

Ashley shook her head. "No. I mean thank you. For everything. You've single handedly kept everything running on the Normandy. It's my duty and I've been a mess." She had to laugh. She was a prime example at the moment of how not to serve the Alliance, she thought. She had remained at Shepard's side most of the time she was here and she'd relayed messages to the crew via omni-tool and through Liara, who she also knew was hurting. For the moment, the crew was Ashley's responsibility and she hadn't acted like it these past couple of days.

"You've been doing fine," Liara touched her shoulder. "I understand what you're going through right now and so does everyone else. The Alliance and Normandy can function just fine. They have their orders and their jobs. Everyone is okay. I promise."

Ashley smiled. "Still, you've really covered my ass. I want you to know I appreciate it."

Liara laughed. "Well you can buy me a drink when this is all over." She looked suddenly sad. "Garrus got word from his sister."

Ashley looked at her. "So she's alive."

"Yes. But I'm afraid his father wasn't as lucky."

Ashley shook her head. "Oh man." She couldn't think of what else to say. "I suppose at least knowing is better than not knowing. And I'm glad his sister is okay. How is he?"

Liara sighed. "He's asked to be alone for a while. He took a bottle of Turian whiskey into the forward battery. I'll check on him later. Vega didn't go into detail about his family but said things 'could have been worse.' I suppose that's the best to hope for right now."

"It's hard to even believe this is all over." Ashley said quietly. "In the grand scheme of things it all happened so fast, but I don't feel like I even remember a time when we weren't fighting this war."

"I know. It's so much to adjust to. All life everywhere is so different." Liara looked down at Shepard. "He'll be all right."

"I know," Ashley said, forcing herself to believe it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: The Normandy Family**

Ashley stared at her own hands. Her nails were short and clean, unpolished. She had never cared much for keeping them manicured. It had seemed silly in her line of work. As she sat in Shepard's empty room, next to his empty bed a lot of things seemed silly to her now. She thought of all the normal, everyday things that just seemed trite after all that had happened. Peoples' lives were falling apart. Mass genocide on a galactic scale had just ravaged the world. Just a few months ago people had been complaining about service at a restaurant, worrying about their kids' grades in school or having beers with their friends and gossiping about coworkers. It all seemed so, so far away as she stared at her own hands, clasped within themselves, sitting on her lap. She thought about the things they'd done, the lives they'd taken, the lives they'd saved, the lives they'd touched. John's life.

They'd taken him away for surgery just a few minutes ago, and Ashley hadn't really known what to do with herself. All she could think to do was stare at her own hands. They were useless now, completely helpless to save Shepard's life. It was up to Miranda and Dr. Chakwas. And God.

She considered her faith. So much had happened in the last few years, so much to shake it to its very core. Much of the last few years were spent being angry with God, wondering how certain things had been allowed to happen, contemplating even more the miracles she'd witnessed. And she believed in miracles. With all the bad she'd seen as a marine, she'd also seen the best. She realized that the concept of an all powerful force in the universe was a flawed one, and in the last few years she'd seen her ideas evolve to a point of resigned admission, that she didn't really know if God was out there and listening at all. She had decided to err on the side of comfortable belief. She had to. Even now she closed her eyes and prayed just for a moment for John to come out of this okay.

But if God couldn't help, Chakwas would. She smiled at the thought. Karin Chakwas was much tougher than most people knew, and she was brilliant. There were no more capable hands in which Shepard's life could be held. And Ashley was grateful for that. She chuckled to herself. Maybe she should pray to Chakwas.

"What's so funny, El Toro?"

Ashley turned to find James leaning against the doorway with a tight smile on his face. She raised an eyebrow disapprovingly at the nickname he'd given her; born of the night they'd finished an entire bottle of El Toro tequila together. Or rather she'd had most of it.

"You're a wise ass," Ashley stood, absentmindedly running a hand through her long hair and squeezing a tight spot on the back of her neck. She was unsurprisingly tense.

"I'm just here to show my support," James put his hands up defensively. "You don't have to charge."

She smirked and smacked at him. They'd formed a kind of fun friendship, largely based on some of the more personal things they'd discussed while drinking on one occasion. They'd never brought up the topics again, but Ashley thought they both understood one another a little. She liked James. He was a good marine, no matter how much he tried to pretend he wasn't. His expression turned serious then.

"He in surgery?" He asked.

Ashley nodded. "They just wheeled him in a few minutes ago."

James cleared his throat. "So I thought maybe you could use some company. I know I could. And uh..." He opened a small bag he was carrying to reveal a small bottle of El Toro tequila. He grinned. "I thought maybe you could use a drink."

Ashley had to laugh. A drink was probably what she needed most, and it was also something she probably shouldn't have. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea, Vega."

A scoff and an indignant shrug came from the bulky man before her. "Come on," he prodded. "Let's take a walk." With that he grabbed her arm and led her out into the hallway and toward the elevator.

As they passed the throngs of patients, doctors and nurses, Ashley noticed that some of them seemed unfamiliar. There were new nurses and doctors working. That was a good sign. It meant the Alliance was freeing up resources to give the ones that had been on duty for days a much needed break. Ashley's boots stopped her just before the elevator. They didn't want to go any further. Sensing her hesitation, James squeezed her arm gently.

"Come on," he said quietly. "He's not going anywhere for at least a couple hours. You need some fresh air."

With a deep breath she stepped into the elevator and was surprised when Vega hit the button for the rooftop. She gave him one of her withering looks.

"Drinking on the roof? Sounds like a brilliant plan."

"I'm full of brilliant drinking plans." The doors opened into a short stairwell leading directly to the top of the hospital. James gestured. "Ladies first."

Ashley stepped out onto the roof and surveyed the landscape before her. The day was foggy, and it hung low to the buildings. The air was thick and so the cacophony of smells lay heavy within it. She took a deep inhale. Soot, fire, hot metal. She smiled.

"Fresh air," she deadpanned.

"Hey, I didn't say it would smell good." James handed her the tiny bottle. She took it and looked at it a moment, noticing the small picture of a raging bull on the front of it. It had to be the worst tequila she'd ever drunk, and probably the cheapest. She unscrewed the lid and took a small swig from the bottle, barely managing to not make a face as she swallowed. She groaned and wordlessly handed the bottle back to James, who chuckled. "There you go. You should be feeling better already."

She rolled her eyes but smiled at him as he took a swig himself. "And how are you feeling?" She asked. "What's going on with your family?"

James took a deep breath, and then another, larger swig of tequila. "They're okay for the most part. Cousins are all accounted for. My uncle... He's still missing so..." He shrugged. "I'm not holdin' out too much hope but you know... sucks."

"Yeah. Sucks."

They stood quietly for a moment before James handed Ashley the bottle again. "What about you? Don't you have like thirty sisters or something?"

Ashley chuckled. "Three. And as far as I can tell everyone is okay. So there's that." She took another tiny sip, deciding it would be her last.

"That was something how you found your sis on The Citadel."

"Yeah. Got lucky."

"She seems nice. Pretty cute too." He waggled his eyebrows at Ashley, and he knew he was doing it just to get her riled.

Ashley handed the bottle back to James and raised her eyebrow. "Don't even think about it, Vega."

"I wasn't... I swear!"

Ashley pulled her jacket tighter around her. The tequila had sent a nice warm feeling to her stomach, but the air suddenly had a chill in it. She felt goose bumps rise on her flesh, an odd sense of ominous worry filling her.

"I should get back down there," She turned to head for the door. "Shepard's mother should be arriving soon so..."

James grabbed her hand in his large, warm one as she passed. He squeezed it gently. "Just let me know if you need anything."

She nodded, squeezing back lightly and then she headed for the door.

Ashley was unsurprised to find Liara, Tali and Garrus all standing in Shepard's empty room when she returned. She smiled at them as she entered. She was glad they were all here with her.

"We brought you lunch," Tali said, handing over a small packet.

Ashley took it and smiled at her. "Thank you." She turned to Garrus and approached him, touching his arm and squeezing. "I'm sorry about your dad," she said quietly. He patted and squeezed her hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you," He said. "I'm all right, really. I suppose at some point I should head back to Palaven, but..." He sighed. "I'm not going anywhere until Shepard wakes up."

Ashley smiled, appreciating his optimism.

"How long until we know something?" Tali asked.

"They'll likely update us as they go," Liara said. "I've arranged for a couple more chairs to be brought in here." She smiled at Ashley. "We thought it might be nice to all wait together."

"I hear we'll be meeting Captain Shepard?" Garrus asked.

"Rear Admiral Shepard, actually" Ashley corrected. "She should be here within the next couple of hours."

Tali plopped down on one of the two chairs in the room, cueing Garrus to sit in the chair next to her. Ashley knew they were together. Shepard had mentioned his walking in on the two of them in a rather intimate conversation. He'd said they seemed happy and that made Ashley happy. She respected their privacy too much to dig into it, though she had been dying to ask Tali all about it. She supposed she would in time. Right now there were other things to focus on.

Simultaneously, Liara and Ashley both found seats on the empty hospital bed. Ashley was happy to have the company. She figured James had already left, but she was half tempted to invite the entire crew into the room just to have them around. She wouldn't be surprised if a few dropped by, but they were busy with their new assignments.

It didn't take long for the four of them to start chatting as if nothing was wrong. It was a welcome break to the constant dark cloud hanging over Ashley's head. They laughed as they reminisced about meeting Wrex for the first time. They remembered fondly the old crew, from the first Normandy and the times they'd had there. They took a moment to think of Kaidan, something Ashley did almost every day, and then the faces of all the friends she'd lost throughout the years came into focus in her mind. She would never forget them, not one detail of their faces. And she couldn't, wouldn't lose anyone else.

She listened to Garrus as he told a story about taking Shepard to a lofty area of the Citadel and shooting bottles together. He bragged about out-shooting Shepard and Ashley had to laugh. Shepard had told her the story once before. He'd claimed he'd let Garrus win just to make him happy. She remembered thinking it was so odd of him to do that. He wasn't one to back down from even a friendly challenge. When she'd asked why he didn't really have an answer. He'd shrugged and just said "seemed like it meant a lot to him." His secret was safe with Ashley.

She thought of her family, how she missed them, how she couldn't wait to see them. And then she remembered that she had family here too, and they'd be there with her for whatever happened next.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Bellator Matrem**

"Are these good?" Sarah put down her cards on the bed and looked to Ash, James, and Liara with a questioning glance, though Ash could tell that a smirk was hiding just beneath the surface of her innocent expression.

"Uh yeah those are good," James's voice held a chuckle and a disbelieving scoff.

"I believe you just won the whole hand," Liara placed her cards gently on the bed. Even that small movement was elegant, and Ash found herself once again a bit envious of the Asari's natural grace.

Shaking her head, Ashley grinned. "Don't act all innocent." She tossed her cards at the demure red head, who put her hand up to deflect them. She wasn't wearing her wedding band today, a small realization, but one that made Ashley's chest tighten for just a second for her newly widowed sister. She recovered from her thought quickly. "You've totally played this before, you liar."

Sarah's blue eyes widened. "I haven't I swear."

"Uh huh." Ashley gathered all of the cards up from the cotton sheets. "Damn girl your poker face is better than mine."

For the first time since they'd been reunited, a musical laugh escaped Sarah. For a moment, Ashley was almost convinced that everything was happily ever after. She considered Sarah's wedding band. She and Ashley dealt with pain in similar ways, ways that involved burying a lot of the less pleasant thoughts and emotions and putting on a brave face. She wanted to throw her arms around her baby sister and squeeze her until her arms went limp from exhaustion.

By now, James was up and swinging his arms to stretch. Everyone seemed restless as they waited. They hadn't been playing cards for money. It was just something to pass the cruel hours while Shepard was in surgery. They'd started a while ago after Garrus and Tali left and James and Sarah had shown up. It was a welcome distraction. Several of the other crew members had dropped by just to show their support. Ash had appreciated that. They hadn't stayed long, but it had meant a lot to her, and she knew it would mean a lot to Shepard when he woke up.

_If he woke up._ Ashley's smile faded at the thought.

"I must get my serious skills from Dad." Sarah smiled, dismissing her impressive win with a hand wave.

"Your dad was a gamblin' man?" James cracked his neck and sat back down next to Sarah.

"Not really," Ash answered. "But he was good at cards." She put them away and placed them on the night stand next to the bed. _Now what? _She thought to herself. She'd been undistracted for a full thirty seconds and felt like she wanted to scream.

Liara yawned, daintily covering her mouth, and then looked at her omni tool. "Three hours," she sighed. "I had hoped for an update by now."

Ashley willed whatever small amount of hospital food she'd eaten to behave in her stomach, but it turned nonetheless at the terrible thoughts shooting through her mind. She prayed that no news meant good news.

"Did they say how long the whole thing should take?" James seemed almost hesitant to ask.

Ash shook her head. "They weren't sure."

"It was dependent on how much damage the implants took and what would still work and what would need to be removed." Ashley felt Liara's hand come to rest on her shoulder. It was a simple gesture, and a subtle one, but it comforted her immensely and she felt her rogue stomach settle itself again.

Her momentary calm was shaken to its core as Miranda strode into the room looking exhausted, her hair pulled back under a medical cap. Her loose fitting scrubs had spots of blood on them. John's blood. Ashley tried desperately to read the expression on the woman's porcelain face, but she knew it was useless. From what she knew of Miranda, what John had told her of her, Miranda rarely betrayed her cool exterior.

With everyone's attention now on her, Miranda didn't bother waiting for the inevitable questions.

"It's been touch and go the whole time," She said. "We found several implants that are completely unsalvageable so Chakwas has been working to remove those without damaging the surrounding tissue."

"What about the other implants?" Ashley was impatient. "Did those start working?"

Miranda sighed. "No. Not yet. There's a chance we may have to remove some of the more primary ones as well."

"Primary," Ashley repeated.

"Yes. The ones that helped to regenerate and aid his most vital organs in functioning." Finally, her face did betray her own emotions, and Miranda seemed to smile just a little. "The good news is the implants have done their jobs remarkably. Much of Shepard's body may even be in better shape than it was when we first put the implants in."

"Are you saying -" Liara began. Miranda nodded and cut her off.

"I'm saying that if it weren't for his current serious injuries, that he would be the healthiest he's ever been."

"So that's a good thing." Ashley looked around the room, pleading with the faces around her for agreement, some kind of affirmation. "That's a good thing right?"

Miranda cracked her neck. "In theory. But as I said, his injuries are severe and without the implants to heal them, they're just in the way. Removing them without causing further damage has been difficult. In the extreme."

"How extreme?" A stern female voice from the doorway caused everyone to lock their eyes on a tall, blonde Admiral with her hair pulled back into a regulation bun. Here blue eyes were shockingly familiar, and full of worry. Admiral Hannah Shepard. John's mother.

"Admiral Shepard," Miranda turned to her. "I'm Miranda Lawson. I've been overseeing your son's surgery. Why don't we step out into the hallway and I'll tell you everything you need to know."

The woman's gaze swept the room momentarily, pausing for a second or two on Ashley's own eyes. She seemed to give her a small nod of recognition and then turned to follow Miranda into the hallway.

James stood. "Think I'll head back to the ship. I don't need to be part of family time."

Ashley barely noticed Sarah pulling her into a hug. "Me too. I'll be back in a couple of hours okay?" Ashley squeezed Sarah, not really wanting her to go, but she knew what they all knew, that it was getting crowded.

"We'll give everyone the update and we'll check in later," Vega said, ushering Sarah out of the room.

Liara stayed, just like Ashley knew she would. "So that's her," Liara's voice was appropriately quiet, and almost reverent. "I'd seen her picture, her file, but I haven't met her. He looks a bit like her."

"I met her briefly at... the memorial." Ashley's head spun again. An overwhelming fear that she was starting to lose it came over her. After all of the things she'd seen and experienced and buried and lost and found and discovered, the idea of possibly sharing Shepard's final moments with his mother was too much for her to bear. She was thankfully pulled from her spiral of tragedy by Liara's soothing voice.

"Oh. Yes..." There was a twinge of guilt that accented her words.. She hadn't gone to Shepard's memorial and Ashley had said hurtful things to her because of it. It wasn't until later, until recently that she'd learned about Liara's involvement with Cerberus. She'd had to make a terrible choice by turning Shepard's body over to them, and Ashley knew that Liara had also carried a great burden when it came to Shepard's life. Ashley slid her hand gently into Liara's and squeezed reassuringly, adding a small smile, which Liara returned happily.

Admiral Shepard returned to the doorway, looking every bit like a woman who had just heard terrible news. "It's Williams right?" Her voice carried the same air of authority that John's did.

Ashley instinctively saluted her in response since the admiral was in her dress uniform. "Yes ma'am."

The admiral returned a quick, casual salute, apparently unconcerned with ceremony and then she extended her hand for Ashley to take. She did so, meeting her firm grip. "I would say it's nice to see you again, but..."

"Yeah...This is Dr. Liara Tsoni."

"Admiral. It's an honor to meet you. I wish it were under better circumstances." Liara shook her hand as well.

"I've seen your name mentioned in some of John's mission reports. You've both been under his command for quite a while now right?"

Ashley could feel Liara's eyes turn to her and they exchanged a glance. "With a brief... hiatus yes." Liara had summed it up nicely. There didn't seem to be a need to elaborate.

"Well," Admiral Shepard sighed heavily and made her way to the chair next to the bed. "Seems like we'll all have some time to chat while they finish up." She forced a thin smile at them both. Ashley could tell she was worried, that she was upset, and she knew she hadn't seen John in a while. "Maybe you could both start by telling me how my son ended up here."

Ashley and Liara both took a deep breath at the same time and moved to the other chairs nearby. Giving detailed reports of a mission to her superior officers was nothing new to Ashley, and if she was honest with herself she was welcome for the second distraction. She told herself that it was just a report. A report like any other. She started at the beginning, at their arrival to Earth.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: God's Finger Touched Him, and He Slept**

Around the five hour mark, Ashley felt the rippling waves of insanity closing in on her mind. She slowly paced the room, quietly humming some tune she didn't really know. She couldn't even remember where she'd heard it. She stared periodically out the window. There was less smoke now. Most of the fires had been put out. Most of the monsters had been incinerated away, never to be more than a future nightmare in the middle of a restless sleep.

Ashley felt like she didn't even need sleep anymore. She tried to count the hours in the last couple days that she'd slept. Between reports, coordinating with the crew, thinking of her family, spending time with her newly widowed sister, and occasionally eating, she'd only had time for one other thing - obsessing over Shepard's fate.

She slid her boots across the floor, shuffling back and forth. Admiral Shepard had gone to the Normandy to get a hot meal, a shower, and maybe even an hour of sleep. She'd been in transit for so long, and they still had no idea when John would come out of surgery. Ashley had insisted she use the quarters on the Normandy as her own. Liara had excused herself with the Admiral to help her get more settled and introduce her to the crew.

Ashley decided that she liked Admiral Hannah Shepard. She seemed like a resolute woman. She was certainly brilliant, one of the Alliance's best strategists. Her elegant features and fair skin seemed more suited for a life of luxury and leisure, and yet she had the eyes of an admiral. They were the same blue as John's and looked like they'd seen their fair share of bad, but even they seemed less tired than the much younger ones of her son.

Everyone had seen a lot of war by now, she thought. There were children everywhere that would carry the same haunted look in their eyes as a seasoned marine for the rest of their lives. The pain would fade through the generations, but nothing would ever be the same in the galaxy.

The stiffness in her neck called for a vigorous side to side crack. A gaping yawn followed as she stretched her long arms above her head. It had been less than twenty minutes she'd been alone in this empty room with John's empty bed before Ashley had started feeling the crushing grip of desperate loneliness.

_I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair._

Tennyson's words stirred her out of her numb monotony and she took a long, deep breath, letting her eyes flutter shut. She exhaled her restlessness and turned to flop down in the chair behind her, the only real action she could muster. She felt the air within her escape her body as she slouched, not even caring that her shirt had bunched up to reveal an inch of her tan tummy.

Just as she felt like a shriek of helpless boredom would escape her, Miranda entered the room. Ashley didn't even remember springing to her feet, though the few steps toward the severe woman seemed to take a million years. Once again, she was unable to read the expression on Miranda's face, but she looked tired. Ashley felt a thousand fingers tighten around her heart when she realized Miranda's eyes were red, puffed up from what could have only been since wiped away tears. Her own eyes widened, fixated on the cloudy blue ones before her. She opened her mouth to speak, to ask, but no noise came out.

And then Miranda smiled.

"He's out of surgery." Miranda's voice was hoarse, sleepy, but clearly happy. "He's in recovery." Ashley exhaled a breath she had been holding for days, resisting the urge to throw her arms around the woman who was practically a stranger to her. She swallowed; composing herself before Miranda thankfully spoke again. "Chakwas is with him if you'd like to see him."

The ache at the back of Ashley's throat, the kind that threatened tears was swallowed away suddenly. "Thanks," was all she could choke out before nodding and making her way to the recovery wing.

"Recovery" was more like a section of the floor they'd quartered off to house post op patients. There was nothing more sterile about it than the regular rooms, though Ashley supposed it felt better to think there was. She hadn't even realize how much her entire body was shaking until she saw her hand in front of her face, poised to pull aside the grey curtain.

When she did so, her vision tunneled, and there she saw John, shirtless, broken, his entire torso covered with small stitched incisions, the entry ways for the tools that would rid him of the implants that were nothing more now than a poison to his body. His bruises and other injuries were still a sickening purple, and there seemed very little of his own skin color that peeked through those. His face was pale, and a sheen of sweat covered his black and blue brow.

She didn't know how long she'd been standing there staring at him before she felt the hand of Karin Chakwas squeeze her arm. She finally turned her attention to her. Today the beautiful older woman looked twenty years older than she was, but her smile was reassuring to Ashley.

"There were some scares," Chakwas' steady voice seemed as energetic as ever. "But once we got toward the home stretch it looked good. He still has a fever, but he's responding well to the antibi-"

Ashley interrupted her by throwing her arms around her and squeezing as hard as she could. It was no surprise that the good doctor immediately reciprocated with a grip that rivaled Ashley's own. The two women stood there for a few long seconds before Ashley blinked away her first real threatening tear.

"Thank you," she whispered. "I...thank you."

Chakwas gently extracted herself from the hug and affectionately touched Ashley's now red face.

The two of them almost immediately returned to a semi-professional stance, a habit born out of their time serving together.

"Thank me when he wakes up," Chakwas said.

Ashley moved to Shepard's side and gingerly touched his forehead. He was clammy and cold to her, but not nearly as deathly as he had been when she'd first found him. Her lips found his forehead softly and rested there for just a second before she stood up straight, cleared her throat, and turned back to Chakwas.

"But he is going to wake up..." She prompted.

Chakwas exhaled and rubbed the back of her own neck. "I'm supposed to tell you that anything can happen, that his body might suddenly take a turn for the worst, that we could still lose him."

"But..." Ashley's hand was somehow already gripping Shepard's.

"In my medical opinion he's not out of the woods. He needs time and more care. There's no telling when or even if he'll wake up." She smiled. "But in my person opinion, and from what I know of the Commander, he'd been very disappointed in us if we gave up on him now."

Ashley's lips spread wide to form a smile at Dr. Chakwas. "You should get some rest."

Chakwas groaned. "Oh yes. I'm headed to an empty room now to sleep for a couple of hours. The nurses will get me if anything changes, but he's stable now. I hate to say it but they'll probably ask you to leave this area. There's not a whole lot of room for visitors." She patted Ashley on the shoulder. "Why don't you take the time to shower and get some sleep yourself?"

The thought of leaving him now, now that he could wake up any minute seemed like torture to Ashley. She knew it was wishful thinking. His body would need time to repair itself and he was in good hands. She reluctantly let go of his hand and followed Chakwas out into the hallway.

Miranda sat, hair down and messy, leaning her elbows on her knees. She stood when they approached and Chakwas continued on, headed to the nearest closet with a bed, ready to pass out.

"Miranda. I know you didn't do this for me... but thank you just the same." It was simple enough and well-meaning and Miranda seemed to nod in appreciation.

"He would have wanted me to do the same for you," Miranda dismissed. "And you're welcome." The two exchanged a nod, and then Ashley started for the elevator. She hadn't gotten very far when she heard Miranda's voice again. "He said your name, you know..."

Ashley turned slowly to Miranda. "What?"

A flash of something, maybe regret flashed over Miranda's face as if she suddenly didn't want to elaborate, but knew that she now she had to. "Not in there. Not here. Back when he first came back."

When he first came back. Miranda was talking about when she'd brought him back from the dead. Goosebumps rose on Ashley's skin and Miranda seemed to squirm, as if she was fighting through her discomfort at revealing something so personal and intimate.

"When he woke up... he was disoriented, barely conscious. He reached up for my face...and he managed to whisper your name." Miranda shrugged. "Just thought you'd like to know is all." She turned then, rather brusquely and made her escape in the opposite direction, leaving Ashley with the weight of the thought.

Two years. Dead. And his first thought was of her. She gave in to the weakening of her knees and sat in a chair. Knowing it made no difference really, and yet somehow it was so important, so revealing and so precious to her that she was overwhelmed by it.

Instead of heading back to the Normandy right away, instead of leaving the building, Ashley finally surrendered to her long threatening tears, and she let them come.


	10. Chapter 10

**Phoenix Ex Cineribus**

Ashley returned to Shepard's room, a cup of coffee in one hand, a cup of black tea in the other. She handed it to Hannah Shepard, who smiled appreciatively. She was dressed in comfortable civilian clothes today, with her light blonde hair hanging down around her shoulders. It was longer than Ashley had pictured. She looked young for her age, the only real evidence being the lines around her eyes.

"Thanks for finding some tea. I never could drink coffee."

Ashley sat in the other chair on the opposite side of Shepard. It had become her home and she had to find it amusing that the thin padding on it was absolutely molded to her butt now. In the 48 hours since his surgery Shepard had made remarkable progress according to Dr. Chakwas, though he was still out cold. He was breathing on his own and his fever and infection were gone. His coloring had returned. He still looked like hell, bruised and battered with broken bones and stitches, but he was getting better, and that was all Ashley needed.

She smiled at Hannah. "He doesn't drink coffee either. I don't know how he stands it. I practically need it to survive." She sipped hers. It was black and strong and was the sludge that had been sitting for probably an entire day in the one coffee maker on the floor. It was awful, but she loved it. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had a decent cup of coffee. She realized it was probably on the Citadel. Anderson's old apartment that he'd gifted to Shepard had an amazing espresso machine and she'd used it more than a few times on their short shore leave there.

She and Hannah had been coming in going in shifts since he was out of surgery. They were slightly more relaxed now. The worst was over, or so they'd been told. Ashley was glad for the short breaks. As much as she wanted to be by Shepard's side the whole time, she could only stare at him motionless and half alive for so long before she wanted to scream. She'd even been able to find the hospital chapel and spend some time there with the non-denominational imagery. She'd been praying a lot lately.

Some of the other crew, Garrus and Tali especially had wanted to come visit, but Chakwas had asked that anyone besides Hannah and Ashley be restricted for the time being so Shepard could rest. Ashley was glad the Admiral was here. Shepard would be glad too when he woke up. She had always got the sense that he wished they'd been closer when he was growing up.

They hadn't talked much. Chit chat in passing when one would come to relieve the other. Ashley still called her "ma'am" and she obviously approved of it, not correcting her to call her anything else. Ashley was glad. She thought it would be strange to call her "Hannah" and stranger still to call her "Shepard." It was always hard to leave his side, but Ashley knew she and Hannah both needed their rest. Today, Hannah had apparently decided to stay, and now Ashley wasn't sure what exactly to talk about with her.

The elegant woman sipped her tea and pushed her blonde hair back behind her shoulder. "You know, he and I never really discussed his personal life much. His father is better at that than I am." It was an odd thing to hear from her. It seemed strangely personal, and Ashley wasn't sure just how comfortable she was with it. she waited for her to continue. "John never mentioned any of his relationships to me and I never really asked." She seemed to smile just a bit sadly. "I do remember him mentioning you once to me though."

"Oh?" Ashley wasn't sure how to react to this news.

"He was giving me the finer points of his team just a few months after he became a SpecTRe, not too long before the battle at the Citadel. Asari biotic, Krogan warlord, Turian C-Sec officer, Alliance lieutenant, even a Quarian. He had nice things to say about all of them. But when he mentioned you, he told me what a fine soldier you were, how...impressed he was with you and your tenacity. He said you were smart, said you deserved better than the post he'd found you in." She chuckled. "He also said you had a hot head." She smiled.

Ashley smiled too. "Well he'd be right about the hot headed thing."

"My point, Williams is that he didn't say much about you, but there was something about the way he said it that made me think that maybe you were special to him in some way." She shrugged. "Just my maternal instinct I suppose. And then when I met you I knew I had guessed right."

Ashley wasn't quite sure what to say about it. She wasn't really the type to discuss her relationships with her boyfriends' mothers. In fact, she realized she hadn't even met any of them before. None of her past relationships had seemed important enough to warrant it. She chuckled just a little, prompting a questioning look from the Admiral.

"Just seems so strange," she explained. "Most women meet their boyfriend's mothers for an awkward dinner or something somewhere down the line." She frowned. "You and I met at your son's funeral."

"Did you know?" Hannah asked. She had the same kind of direct and to the point speech as John.

"Know what, ma'am?"

"That he was alive." Ashley's heart caught in her throat. Hannah didn't know. She didn't know that he'd been dead for nearly two whole years. Obviously Shepard hadn't told her, and when she thought about it she couldn't figure out how he would even have done that. Hannah Shepard was still working on the notion that Shepard was somewhere alive and on some kind of classified mission for those two years. "Even with my clearance I wasn't able to gain access to those reports, but I just wondered if you'd known. If he'd told you."

Ashley did her best to sound unsurprised by this. She decided the truth was the best answer. "No." She said quietly. "I... He was dead as far as I knew."

There was a long, somewhat uncomfortable silence before the nurse, Amanda came in. "Good morning," She said too loudly. "I'm just here to change some bandages and do general upkeep. Don't mind me." She was a chipper red headed Alliance nurse who'd been in London since the beginning of the invasion. Ashley wondered what kinds of things she'd had to deal with. She admired her. She was as friendly and upbeat as ever.

Hannah stood. "I think I'll take a walk. Get some fresh air." She headed out.

Ashley nodded at Amanda. "How's it going on the rest of the floor?" She'd gotten friendly with the two or three nurses that would come in to take care of John. She liked them. They gave her someone to chat with.

"Got some soldiers checking out today. Lots of others getting better and still some touch and go cases but today seems like a pretty good day." She smiled at Ashley and continued with her work. "The Commander here is pretty lucky."

"Lucky? How do you figure?"

Amanda seemed to realize what she'd said. "Oh no. Sorry. I didn't mean he's lucky lucky. I mean he's definitely... anyway I just meant he has all his fingers, toes, limbs and even teeth." She suddenly looked embarrassed. "So sorry. It's just... I see a lot of stuff so I have to try to find some silver lining, you know?"

Ashley relaxed. "No it's okay, Amanda. I know. It's like any soldier. You gotta deal however you can. And you do great work here."

"Thanks." She quickly finished up and then turned back to Ashley. "That should do it. Nice and fresh. Gotta keep that infection away. I'll see you both later." She turned and walked out, leaving Ashley alone with John.

She approached his side and took his hand in hers and sighed. "You sure do know how to make a woman wait, Shepard." She brushed his hand with her thumb lightly and was surprised to feel his fingers move in hers. She thought she'd imagined it, but staring at their hands she saw him tighten his grip just slightly. She squeezed and focused on his face. "Shepard?" Her eyes darted back to his hand again when it squeezed hers hard, and then she turned back to his face, willing him to open his eyes. "John. Wake up," she whispered. "Please wake up," she pleaded more to God than to Shepard himself.

She nearly gasped as his eyelashes fluttered just a little. She waited what felt like another year for them to do it again, and then slowly his eyelids rose to half open. It was enough for her. She tried to remain quiet, tried to remain calm. "Shepard," she whispered. His bloodshot eyes opened fully, finally and looked around the room, trying to figure out where he was. He couldn't turn his head because of the neck brace, and she could see the confusion as his eyes darted to and fro. "You're in the hospital," she said quietly. "John?" She touched his face and then his eyes finally settled on hers for a long time. "Hi," she breathed, a tear falling from her eye.

After another long and silent moment, just looking at each other, his mouth finally opened to speak. "Who...are...you?" he finally whispered quietly. Her heart stopped beating. Her knees felt weak and her hands went ice cold. She couldn't breathe. And then she saw the corner of his mouth turn up just slightly.

"Oh my god!" she practically yelled. She laughed and more tears came. "Oh my god I could punch you!" she said breathlessly. His smile widened as much as it could then before he grimaced in pain. "Easy," she said. "Try not to move."

He groaned just slightly, and then smiled at her again. "Hey," he managed.

"Hey," she whispered back. His smile faded, and she could tell he was trying to remember everything that had happened, trying to piece together how he got here. She touched his face. "It's over, Shepard." It seemed to take a moment to register on his face, and then she saw his eyes start to glisten with moisture, pleading with hers for it to be true. She nodded. "It's finished." She stroked his face and barely got her next words out without choking. "You're done, John." He exhaled just as the first relieved tear escaped his eye. And then he shut them tight. She rested her forehead on his and the two of them stayed that way, breathing through their quiet tears for a long time.

When Ashley finally pulled away, she laughed and wiped the tears from her face. Shepard smiled again too and she wiped his tears as well, finally bending down to kiss his lips softly. He kissed her back and groaned in pain again and Ashley saw that he'd tried to move his arm to touch her.

She gently placed it back down on the bed. "Please don't move. We just got you working again."

"I feel like shit."

"You've been through hell."

"I'm glad you're here," he said quietly.

"I told you I'd be waiting." She looked down at Shepard. Her John. He was alive, and with her and right now that was all that mattered to her. She felt now like they'd actually won, that there was a happy ending for all the madness and hell they'd been through.

"My God," came a voice from the door. Ashley turned and beamed at Hannah. She stared at her son, wide eyed with disbelief before walking over to his bed.

"Hi Mom," he said through his pain. She didn't say anything before leaning down to gently hold him, and then Ashley saw her body shudder as she began to cry. Shepard closed his eyes and leaned the side of his head against hers as much as he could. "Don't cry, Mom. It's okay." Ashley turned away just slightly to give them their semi-private moment, though she still clung to his hand at his side. She didn't want to ever let go.

When Hannah finally stood and wiped her tears, she touched her chest and took a deep breath. She regained the composure she was famous for and then gave her son a scolding look. "When are you going to stop putting me through this, John?"

They all laughed, and then Shepard growled in pain again. "I'll get the doctor." She headed out of the room and down the hall a bit where she found Amanda standing there, folding some linens. "What doctor's on?" She asked.

Amanda must have seen the tear stains and redness in Ashley's face because her eyes widened. "Dr. Wenn is here. I'll get her."

"Tell her Commander Shepard is awake and in pain."

"Of course," Amanda jogged down the hallway, leaving Ashley to realize that she was standing there shaking. Shepard was awake. He was alive. He was going to be okay. And they'd won.

Ashley was starting to think this was the greatest day ever in the history of all days. She found a second to send a thank you to whatever God was watching out for them today, and then she activated her omni-tool. She relayed the news to Chakwas and Liara only, knowing they would pass the news along to the crew. Chakwas would be here soon.

Ashley reentered the hospital room with Dr. Wenn, who seemed pleasantly surprised to find Shepard awake. "Well," She said. "You're quite an overachiever." She approached the bed. "Commander Shepard I'm Dr. Wenn. I'm the attending physician here. I've been helping to monitor your condition. Dr. Chakwas will be here soon."

"Hi," Shepard managed in a barely audible tone.

"You're awake which means you're healing, which means you're gonna be fine. But you do need to rest. I'm going to give you something for the pain. It'll probably knock you back out for a while."

Shepard nodded just barely as Wenn approached and injected something into his IV. She turned to Ashley and Hannah. "I'll be around if you need anything. If anything changes let me know."

Ashley nodded as she left. "Thank you." She approached Shepard's bed and sat down next to him.

He looked at her, seemed hesitant to ask his next question. "The crew?"

She frowned. "We lost EDI." She shook her head. "Not sure why. She just..." She watched something happen in his expression, something she couldn't understand. He looked down, stared into the middle distance as Ash continued. "And from what I'm hearing all the geth - all of them. Mass Relays are badly damaged. There's no way to know how many we've lost in other systems, not yet. But the Reapers are dead. Just dropped dead like the big goddamned flies they were. Everyone's working real hard to clean up."

"Your family... you're sister..." She could tell he was fighting through the sedative now.

"They're fine. Sarah's fine." She touched his hand. "You should rest. We can talk more about it later."

As if waiting for her permission, he nodded and gently closed his eyes. He opened them again after a moment. "Stay?" he asked.

She smiled. "I'm not going anywhere." This seemed to reassure him and he closed his eyes once again and drifted off to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

**Recovery and Regret**

He awoke with a start, his eyes darting around the dark room. He didn't know what he had been dreaming, couldn't remember, but something had stirred him awake. His heart was pounding and he could feel the sweat on his forehead. He exhaled as his eyes realized he was still in his hospital room.

"Hey," he heard from beside his bed. He couldn't turn his head much at all, not with the neck brace still on, but he recognized Ashley's groggy voice. She came into his line of vision with a concerned look on her face. She looked tired. "You okay? Need me to get Dr. Chakwas?"

"No." He exhaled and tried to relax. "No I'm okay." Ashley took the cloth on the nightstand and dabbed at his forehead before sitting back down in the chair she'd moved to be closer.

"Bad dream?"

"I don't know. Can't remember." He winced a little at his pain as he tried to move just slightly. "I guess." He forced a smile her way. "Didn't I tell you to go get some rest?" It had been a few days since his surgery. He was still in pain, but mostly sleeping so he'd insisted that both Ashley and his mother get their sleep.

Ash chuckled. "Well your mother is our cabin, remember? And it turns out Liara talks in her sleep."

"She does?" He almost laughed, but thought better of it considering his pain. "What does she say?"

Ashley shrugged. "Just mumbling something about data and blueberries when I heard her."

"Blueberries."

"I think so. I just put my pillow over my head and tried not to listen. But she kicks too."

That did bring a smile to his face. He'd managed to stay awake and focused long enough for a short visit a couple days ago from Liara, Garrus, and Tali, but he'd asked them to keep their distance from here on in. He needed his rest. More than that he didn't quite know what to say to them about what had happened, and he was sure someone would ask soon. Hackett was already bugging him to do a report even though he could barely move and was so full of painkillers he could hardly stay awake.

"How's the pain?" Ash asked.

"Doesn't tickle."

"You sure you don't want anything?"

"Yeah. No I've had enough of that. Just wanna get out of this bed."

Ash smiled and took his hand, squeezing reassuringly. "You will. Soon."

"Wish they could get you a more comfortable chair."

"I'm fine." She kissed his cheek. "You should go back to sleep. I'll be here if you need anything."

He closed his eyes again as if her words had magic powers and slipped off into sleep, hoping he wouldn't dream again.

* * *

His mother kissed his forehead and then stood up, smiling. He smiled back at her. It had been just over a week since he'd woken up and his neck brace was finally off. They'd even allowed him to elevate his top half just slightly. He was able to move his arms without too much searing pain and they'd learned there was no permanent damage to his spine. He'd never been so happy to be able to wiggle his toes. He still couldn't get out of bed, but physically he was feeling a bit better. He had only taken one glance at his ravaged torso under his hospital shirt, and that had been enough. The state of his body had almost made him nauseous, and he hadn't wanted to see it since. Bruises would go away, but the scars from his surgery might not.

He was tired of scars.

"I hate to leave you like this," Hannah said.

He smiled at her. "It's okay. I'm in good hands here and I'm gonna be fine. Besides, you have to go take care of Dad now."

"Oh he's fine," She said. "He holed up in that god awful cabin of his out in the wilderness. He barely even saw a husk."

"And here you thought that place was a bad idea." Shepard smirked.

She sighed. "I have just a couple of days left before I have to get back to the ship. I should at least swing by and let him know how you're doing. It's hard to get any real messages across channels right now."

Shepard nodded. "Give him my love."

"I will." She smiled at him again. "Hopefully we'll see you very soon." She turned and walked toward the door, then stopped and turned again. "I've already said my goodbyes to your crew. They're a good bunch. I'm sure that has a lot to do with you." She chuckled softly. "And I like Williams. For the record."

He smiled. "Me too. Be safe, Mom."

She smiled and left, leaving him alone. He turned his head to look out the window. He hadn't been able to see what London looked like in the aftermath. Today was gray and rainy, and he wasn't sure he wanted to see the damage that had been done. The lives that had been lost. The figures coming in were staggering. Millions. So many millions and climbing. Maybe billions by the end of it all. He wondered if they could have been saved somehow.

Other news from all over was generally pretty good. Aside from the near genocide of entire species, everyone seemed to be organized and working to make things better. Ashley had heard that some contact had been made with distant colonies. Some of it was good news. Some of it devastating. The Council had been surprisingly cooperative with the various militaries in coordinating relief efforts and troops and operatives.

He thought of his crew. He was still avoiding them, still clinging to the safety of his bed. There was nothing for them to do right now except temporary assignments around London. Ash had told him their spirits were high, and that they'd even had a night of drinking on the ship in honor of him waking up. He smiled at the thought. His crew. They would follow him anywhere. They had. And now they had no commander, not one that could face them right now anyway.

He relaxed back and stared at the gray sky outside, wondering what was next.

* * *

_Individual known only as "The Illusive Man" succumbed to single self-inflicted gunshot wound following confrontation that resulted in the shooting and subsequent death of Admiral David Anderson._

_Console code entered. Citadel station arms control access gained and arms opened to allow Crucible objective. However, received communication from Admiral Hackett that objective was delayed due to unknown circumstances._

_The events that followed_

Shepard stared at the data pad in front of him. He had put off writing his report long enough about what happened. Hackett was getting impatient with him. It had been two weeks since his surgery and he was finally able to sit upright and move his body without pain medication. It made him groggy and fuzzy anyway and he didn't like it.

The bruises on his face were almost gone, though still sore. He still hadn't been able to get out of bed, but he was hoping that would change soon. He still hadn't allowed the crew to come see him. He didn't want them to see him like this, but he'd made a call to the ship a few days ago to boost morale and say hello. They'd all seemed really happy to see him. It had made him feel good, but something still felt wrong. He couldn't put his finger on it.

"You look confused." Ash sauntered into the room, looking crisp in her dress uniform. Her hair was fixed and in a bun and she wore just a little makeup. Her skin was bright and he couldn't help but smile affectionately at her. It was the first time since he'd been awake that she looked well rested and unburdened. He thought about what she must have been going through. They hadn't talked much about it yet. Ash was never one to push, and Shepard knew she'd been through a lot. Again.

"How was your meeting with the brass?"

She leaned on the side of his bed and crossed her arms. "Gave them my official report. The rest of the crew is going in today too. I'm finally getting caught up on all your paperwork though." She smiled. "Slacker."

"Thanks for taking care of all of it."

"Of course." She nodded to the data pad on his lap. "Doing your report?"

He sighed. "Trying."

She reached. "Mind if I -"

"Go ahead. It's far from finished."

She took the data pad and read what he'd written so far. Much of it was straightforward: Their arrival to Earth, the subsequent ground battles, the evacuation, the charge to the beam. All of it covered events that a hundred other reports would cover.

He watched her face as she read the parts she didn't know: Shepard's arrival to the Citadel, his confrontation with The Illusive Man, Anderson's death.

She looked at him. "And then...the Crucible fired right?" His stomach turned. He opened his mouth to say something to her, but he didn't know what. He closed it again and shook his head, finding her concerned eyes. She placed the data pad back on his lap and looked at him. "What happened up there?" Her voice was quiet and sympathetic.

He sighed. "I don't really know."

She took his hand. "I know that we haven't talked about it. And I know it's hard, that something happened that you don't want to talk about and I understand that." She shrugged. "But it's me. I don't want to push you, but..." Over their years together Ash's capacity for patience and understanding had grown immensely. She had had to put up with a lot. She'd had to trust him implicitly more times than he probably deserved. He owed her the truth, every damn bit of it.

He nodded. "No I know. I just..." Everything flashed through his mind then, the boy, the choices, the unbelievable story that he didn't know how to share with her, with anyone. He closed his eyes and rested his head back on his pillow. "After Anderson...after he..." He swallowed. He hadn't had a chance to grieve over his friend yet, and though now was not the time it threatened to be. "Hackett radioed, said the Crucible wasn't firing. Asked me to do something, anything." He shook his head. "I didn't know how, didn't know what to do to... I was barely conscious and then I think I blacked out."

"And then what happened?" Ash asked quietly.

"I can't be sure," he admitted. "I can't tell you how much of this is real or if I was hallucinating or what." She waited patiently. "I had lost a lot of blood..."

She squeezed his hand. "It's okay. Just take your time. Just tell me what you remember."

He felt his body tense slightly as he remembered what came next. "When I came to, there was a... being. A boy. Well it looked like a boy. You remember that boy I told you about, the one I had nightmares about." She nodded. "Well it was him, or... I don't know in the form of him or whatever."

"Who was this...being?" She asked. He could already tell she was wondering if he'd imagined the whole thing, but she was being patient and he appreciated that.

He carefully told her everything he remembered. He left out nothing, even describing the view from his position. He recounted the history he'd been told, the mind boggling truths he'd heard, the final choices he'd been given.

"I didn't trust it, didn't know if it was telling me the truth, didn't... I couldn't be sure of anything. I didn't believe much of what it was saying." He put his head down. "But I believed enough to make a choice. So I did."

"And you chose to destroy them."

He nodded. "Destroy them and countless others. I knew I would be destroying the Geth, all of them. I even thought of EDI. I thought... I hoped... that maybe it was lying to me, maybe I was just dreaming, maybe..." He exhaled and rested his head back. He felt his eyes start to sting with threatening tears. He blinked them away. "Over the last few years there are a lot of people dead because of choices I made. Too many." His voice shook. "So many."

"Listen to me," Ashley's voice was strong and authoritative. "You are the only reason that anyone is still alive. You may have death on your hands, John but you also have life. Because of _you _an entire galaxy is safe now. Because of _you_, people will be reunited with their families and loved ones. Because of _you_...I'm here." He looked at her. "And you're here." She kissed his forehead and lingered there for a moment. He relaxed slightly. "And if that was all real, if that really happened, even if that means your choice was the reason all of this happened," She touched his face and looked at him. "I believe you made the best choice."

Coming from Ashley, that was enough, at least for today. Tomorrow would be a different story. Tomorrow he would feel the same guilt he felt now, the same burden, the same exhaustion that could plague him the rest of his days. But today, for now, to have her believe in him was enough. He fought off another wave of heartache, both for those lost and for the woman he loved. He took a deep breath.

"So what now?" It was such an open question, one that he didn't know the answer to. Aside from all of the emotional fallout of what had just transpired, aside from the long impending finale to his years of effort, Shepard very suddenly didn't have a mission, didn't have an objective. He felt more lost than he cared to admit.

And then Ashley smiled, reeling him back in from his thoughts. "Now I guess you finish your report."

He looked at her a long time, her beautiful face, the face he went to in his hardest moments, the face that brought him comfort in the worst situations, the face he'd dreamed about when everything else seemed hopeless. He smiled back, just a little, their unspoken understanding permeating the room. He looked back down at the data pad in his hands.

_Individual known only as "The Illusive Man" succumbed to single self-inflicted gunshot wound following confrontation that resulted in the shooting and subsequent death of Admiral David Anderson._

_Console code entered. Citadel station arms control access gained and arms opened to allow Crucible objective. However, received communication from Admiral Hackett that objective was delayed due to unknown circumstances._

_The events that followed_

He stared at the last line for a long moment before deleting it.

_Console code entered. Citadel station arms control access gained and arms opened to allow Crucible objective. However, received communication from Admiral Hackett that objective was delayed due to unknown circumstances._

_Crucible activation initiated. Objective completed. _

_Mission accomplished._

He signed his name then on the line. He looked at Ashley. And then with a confident keystroke he sent the report to Hackett and exhaled a sigh of relief. As Ashley's arms enveloped him, he embraced her, kissed the top of her head that rested on his chest. The words played in his mind once again.

Mission accomplished.

And he smiled.


	12. Chapter 12

**Back to Life**

He hissed in pain as the razor nicked his jawline. As he stood in the tiny bathroom in his hospital room, he glanced in the mirror at his shaving cream covered cheek and wiped the small drop of blood with a nearby towel. He looked at the towel then, and stared at the drop of blood for a long time. It seemed precious to him, like something he couldn't afford to lose. He thought then of all the blood he had lost, all the injuries, all the transfusions, all the surgeries, all of the blood, all_ his_ blood. He shook his head a little to get rid of the thought, the images in his brain that seemed to be constantly in the background since he'd awakened from his surgery three weeks ago.

And the nightmares hadn't helped. He was having them every time he closed his eyes now, sometimes before he'd even gotten fully to sleep. Sometimes they even came when he was awake. They were all differing versions of the horrors he'd seen, the lives he'd taken, the lives he'd caused to be taken.

When he was busy, immersed in the mission, up to his ass in the Reaper threat and their eventual invasion, it was easy to ignore. There was always some crisis, some message, some comment from a crew member, a question, a strategy session. There was always something that pulled him back from the dark depths of his mind before he was lost to it. But now there was nothing. He didn't have a mission. He didn't have anyone looking to him for answers; he didn't have anyone to save now. And his mind knew it, and it had been cruel to him.

He remembered this feeling. He'd had it after Akuze. PTSD was a hell of a monster for soldiers and he had barely managed to beat it before. Or maybe, he admitted, he never had. Not really. He hadn't really taken time off after Akuze, despite the urgings of his Commanding Officer. He'd hid it well enough that it hadn't become an issue with his work, that none of the brass ever made leave mandatory. When he'd died and awakened two years later he hadn't had time to think about it. And he'd forced himself not to. Until now. Even now as he stared at the towel he saw flashes of more blood, images of more pain and suffering. He realized he was clenching his fist around the towel tightly and clenching his jaw.

He shook his head and tossed the towel aside angrily, and finished his shave. After rinsing his face and drying it off he found his own eyes once more in the mirror. They seemed hollow, almost sunken into his skull. His gaze traveled down the mirror to the reflection of his chest and he gingerly touched one of the angry red surgical scars there, sliding his finger over it carefully. It seemed he was made of scars entirely lately. His hand fought the urge to reach into his own skin and just tear out the scar, as if his skin would just magically be perfect again after.

He was losing it. Hackett was right.

He heard a knock on the bathroom door and turned to find Ash standing in it. She smiled. He forced a smile back at her and fought with his mind not to think of all the times he could have lost her. It was one of the little tricks his brain had been trying to torture him with. When they were in a fight, when the bullets were flying, even the exhausted moments between missions, there wasn't time to think about what would happen if she'd been killed. They just did what they did. But now that the quiet had crept into his mind, he felt the way he had on Mars even as he stood here with her. He fought the urge to cling to her so hard it would hurt. That would just make her worry more than what he knew she already was.

"Hey." She walked over to him. Her hair was down and fixed. She wore casual fatigues and a jacket. "Missed a spot." Her thumb found a spot of skin on his neck and wiped it gently, taking with it a small smear of shaving cream.

He smiled a little, honestly this time. He felt his mind quiet down as he focused in on her face. He tried to imagine that she was the only thing in the room. "Thanks. I'm almost ready." After memorizing her smile for a moment, he limped passed her and back into his hospital room where he found his shirt and laboriously put it on, trying not to grimace. Even though his bruises seemed nearly healed his mobility was limited and it hurt to move. He had a leg brace to help him walk while his break healed itself. Chakwas had told him he'd need to do physical therapy to fully heal. He happily would. He was tired of sitting on his ass.

"So where is this place anyway?" He asked. He hadn't left the hospital at all yet and had only been able to see the carnage of London through the window and on the vids so far. Part of him didn't want to leave, to step out into the streets that had been ravaged. He knew most of the bodies had been found and removed by now, but he couldn't stomach the thought of seeing any more of them. And he hadn't really felt like going to a party. He hadn't felt like celebrating. Even though they'd won the war, he still felt like they'd lost too much to be so happy so soon. He mainly wanted to be left alone. But he also recognized that as exactly the reason he needed to go. He silently chided himself for being so dramatic.

"Vega and Cortez found a bar. Turns out the owner was around and it didn't take much damage and it hasn't been looted." Ash helped him shrug into his own jacket. "So it's the perfect place for a party."

"Hackett put me on leave." He just blurted it out. He needed to hear it. He needed her to hear it. She moved to stand in front of him, an odd expression on her face. She seemed as though she was about to ask, but he couldn't bear it. "Indefinitely," He added. "Told me this morning. I'm supposed to report to Vancouver...what's left of it anyway as soon as I'm able for... to talk to someone." Ash took a moment to process it and then nodded slightly. He had to scoff. "You don't seem surprised." Of course she didn't seem surprised. He'd barely been present since he'd awakened, even with her. She'd tried so hard, and he loved her so much for it. But he knew that she knew he wasn't really okay, and that she couldn't really help him. Not that he'd talked about it. He hadn't, couldn't.

She stepped closer to him and put her arms around his waist. "You've been through a lot. It's not uncommon for Command to want to make sure you're-"

"What?" He interrupted. "Make sure I'm what? Not crazy?" He'd sounded more defensive than he'd meant to.

She let out an exasperated sigh. He knew she was trying her best to be patient with him. Of all the people most affected by this, it was Ash. She had been through hell over the past few years. It was another thing he hated. "To make sure you're okay. It's standard procedure to undergo a psych eval after a tough mission." She touched his face. "I'd call this a tough mission, wouldn't you? And besides, we'll all be scheduled for at least one session with a counselor soon."

"They didn't put you on leave," He grumbled. He knew he sounded like a big baby, but he couldn't help it. "It's just...it wasn't my choice. I didn't have a choice. Hackett just... informed me that I wasn't needed anymore."

She gave him a look. "That's not what he said."

"He might as well have," He slid from her embrace gently and walked to the window. He felt her approach behind him again. "It just... I don't..." He turned to look at her, his thoughts jumbling. "He clearly thinks I'm unfit for duty."

"Shepard." Her voice was soft, and while it usually soothed him, he felt slightly irritated at it in this moment. "Hackett understands that you of all people need a break. You need to take a breath."

He didn't know how to tell her he was scared of taking a breath, that he didn't want to be alone, that he didn't want things to be quiet. It was what they'd always wanted. It was what they'd been fighting for this whole time. They'd talked quietly some nights of what life would be like when it was over. It had been nice, and he was angry with himself that he couldn't enjoy this.

"John," She got close to him again, and this time her voice brought his mind to quiet like it usually did. He relaxed his shoulder as she touched it. "I know that the last few years have been about the mission, this mission. And now that it's over...maybe you feel like you don't know what to do." He turned to look at her, unsurprised that she had been able to read his mind. She could do that sometimes. He didn't know how. She looked down, looked sad. He didn't like that. "Don't think I haven't noticed how distant you've been, or how you haven't been sleeping well." She took a deep shaky breath and met his eyes again. "I think maybe some time away from all this will be good."

He looked into her eyes and then nodded. "Maybe you're right..." He felt himself pulling away from the issue almost immediately, and then he let himself do it, hating himself for not being able to respond to her open hearted statement. He forced a smile again and slid an arm around her waist, pulling her close. "And I guess maybe I could think of a few fun ways to spend my time off."

She rolled her eyes, but smiled. "Nice deflection." She always saw right through him. He ignored it.

"What?" He slid one of his hands down, letting it come to rest on her lower back.

She chuckled and slid her arms around his neck. "You're not gonna be 'spending time' anytime soon, soldier. You can't even put your shirt on without hurting yourself."

He slid his hand down further. "Details...," He squeezed a handful of her playfully and kissed her forehead, finally eliciting a full laugh from her.

She narrowed her eyes and smirked at him, and then planted a nice, warm, long kiss on his lips. He closed his eyes and cupped her face, unwilling to let her part with him right away. Finally she pulled back and smiled affectionately. "Careful not to hurt yourself, there Skipper. I want you back in action as soon as possible." She gave his butt a small, playful pinch of her own, coaxing a smile from him. "Now come on. They're waiting."

She took his hand, grabbed his bag and pulled him gently toward the door. As he followed slowly and painfully behind her, he rallied himself rather unsuccessfully for the social get together that lay ahead. He squeezed her hand and thought _Just think of it as another mission_.


End file.
